guilty by association.

I try to not associate things with people. Songs, food, places, activities... it's not just with guys, it goes for girls too.

If I attach things with people and get attached to that person, and then somethings happens with that person I don't want to be constantly reminded of our memories or whatever with them.

If I let myself get too close to someone and then they are gone, for whatever reason, then I am just left with nothing but memories. I am back at the start.

I am horrible at getting close to people. Once it starts happening I start to push them away, most of the time without even realizing it. I don't fight for relationships, if someone isn't going to make the effort to keep up with me then I'm not going to try. I know that's wrong, but it's how I am.

I am a bad friend.

Gahhhh.

My thoughts are, people change, they grow apart, it's part of life, there is no such thing as "best friends forever." Maybe it's because where I grew up people were in and out and rarely established roots. There were only a very few number of kids I went to school with from Kindergarden to Graduation. Friends came and went. It was a way of life. I do keep in touch with some of the people that have moved away over the years, but it is very few and far between. And we probably don't talk often at all, so you could hardly even consider us to still be friends as much as we used to be. And I try to keep in touch with some people from high school, but it's hard! I couldn't even do it over the summer if I wasn't home, which I wasn't. And I know how people moving to and from NOVA is not an excuse, but it helps explain a little, right? Maybe? A little?

I'm trying now to establish friendships. That's part of what you do in college, right? Establish lifelong friends? The ones that are supposed to be in your wedding, be the god parents to your children, have reunions with whenever possible. Especially at a Bible college where most of us share something so important to who we are. I'm trying. It's hard. I've already gone through a lot of friends in the past academic year. What in the world?! Some of the friendships are coming around and I'm starting to talk to people I stopped hanging out with as much.

I'm trying to learn. How to remain close to people. How to not push people away. How to love people unconditionally. How to be a real friend.